the death of a blog

guess i can't enjoy posts from this blog anymore...

http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/


i am nervous for South Korea.

read it.

educate yourselves. question yourselves. prioritize your aspirations once more. repeat.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/nov/07/one-per-cent-wealth-destroyers/print?fb=native

in other news: i am suddenly allergic to apples. wow!

dear complacent christians

complacent Christians are the type of people who upset me the most in this world. seeing complacent Christians throw me off. complacent Christians who don't vote or care about politics because "it's irrelevant" to their spiritual lives. complacent Christians who don't bother listening to the outcries from outside the US, nevertheless the ones even in the US. complacent Christians who are only concerned about having "fellowship," which basically seems equivalent to excessive eating, money spending, and time wasting. they make me question whether i want to have any affiliation with them. sometimes they make me question myself. and every time this happens, i feel like i have to start all over in understanding my faith. from square one.

"To be a Christian is to live dangerously, honestly, freely--to step in the name of love as if you may land on nothing, yet to keep stepping because the something that sustains you no empire can give you and no empire can take away.  This is the kind of vision and courage required to enable the renewal of prophetic, democratic Christian identity in the age of the American empire."

--Cornel West, Democracy Matters

senior year

conclusion: the only thing that will keep me going for the rest of the semester is knowing that everyone else here is suffering as much as i am, if not more. so...i find strength in knowing that others are suffering...that's messed up...

but otherwise, i love this year. so much. if i had time, i would ramble on about how great life is. how much i love it here. how amazed i am to have such overambitious, talented friends. how my classes rock. how i think i've found my calling. how i want to tell my parents that i don't like the idea of being in north america next year. how my faith is being challenged. how beautiful my campus is. even suffering with my thesis is actually...awesome.

these are all topics i want to share with you. but i have to get back to work.

the colors are making me feel a little more hopeful :) 

summarizing big to small

i'd like to summarize a few things i've learned throughout my entire summer, my time with my family this past week and a half, and my day today.

Summer

1. my internship may have bored me to death intellectually, but it spanked me socially/professionally in a variety of ways. for example, at the start of my internship, i could not speak like a normal functioning person in our professional office. for some reason i'd stutter, word things really really awkwardly, or take an unusually long time trying to figure out how i want to articulate something as easy as an email. giving tours was especially difficult. i'm not a very articulate speaker. i like writing things instead...anyway--now i'm a people-talking-tour-giving-phone-answering PRO. yup. the other important lesson was learning how to handle myself when i dislike people in the office, (which was, by the way, nearly everyone in the office, save one other woman who was on staff but she worked in a different building...) i disliked my boss oh so very much. every word coming out of that man's mouth gave me the shudders. i had to learn how to disguise my disgust bc my face is normally expressive when i dislike someone or something. making faces while someone is talking is not very professional. i have mastered not only how to make fake laughs and smiles, but also how to stop a conversation when i want it to, to steer it towards information i need, and to lighten the mood when the conversation gets heated with frustration. (okayyyy i haven't exactly mastered it, but i got more exposure to how i need to handle myself in conversations with my boss, coworkers, and complete strangers)

2. diligence is key to survival. yup. if you're lazy you waste time, money, food, sleep time. you get fat, out of shape, waste life, lose opportunities, and earn yourself a bad reputation. this i gathered from experience and observations of others.

3. i am officially in that stage in life where the only things my friends, both girls and boys, will talk about are boys/girls, relationships, marriage, and pregnancy. dear god...when did i age to quickly?

Vacation with the Family

1. my siblings are little ssheckees. but i love them still. there are some regrets. i regret being too nice to them when they were younger because now they think they can push me around. regardless of how reckless they are, they are the liveliest kids i know. watching and listening to them entertains me. i also regret not having spent much time with them since high school. and i regret not having encouraged them more often when they were younger. but they're still quite young, so i have some time.

2. we're not little kids anymore.

3. my parents are getting old.

Today

1. two weeks at home is just the right amount before i start getting restless.

2. i have no more stamina when i'm playing piano. i have no more stamina when i'm playing tennis. i have no more stamina when i'm reading. i need to get my act together...

3. i'm at least glad to know that i can't stand sitting around doing nothing. i got a lot done today, worked out, practiced piano, went for a run, tried to pick up my past hobbies, took care of some last minute school business, yelled at a T-mobile customer service lady, played Scrabble with Greg Toy (he kicked my ass yet again!), and even watched a Woody Allen film. not a bad day. 

next year

sometimes when i'm bored, i try to daydream about what i would be doing on the same exact date from today. what would you be doing next year on August 5, 2012?

i'm craving the excitement of traveling again.

top ten

so according to forbes, Haverford is in the top ten colleges in the US of A

http://www.forbes.com/top-colleges/

it's hard to believe. right under Harvard? hard to believe...

the real rachel

wanna see something cool?

this is the real me.

look at my teeth :D

mute commute

you may be surprised, but one of my favorite parts of my usual work day is the 1.5 hr commute going to work. the 1.5 commute coming back isn't as great because i'm tired and hungry. so for most of my 3 hour total commute, i am mute. it's really great. i pass the time in silence and observance [EDIT: the first thing i thought this morning when i walked out the door for work today was that "observance" is not the word i want to use here...it's "observation" HAHAHAHAAA] . and i read a lot.

timeout:
i've read 8 books so far this summer! that's one book a week! holy cow!
if you're bored, read The Hunger Games Trilogy (Susanne Collins), and One Day (David Nicholls).

time-in:
part of my lovely commute is the twenty minute walk from the train station to where i work. it's such a pleasant walk, passing through this beautiful neighborhood in Germantown. there are some really great houses on the street i walk up on.

and then among all these gorgeous mansions, there's this freak on the street:

 ehh, you can't really see how scary it looks in this picture. but it looks dreadful in real life! i promise. it looks like THE haunted house everyone pictures on halloween. it's the house that doesn't give out candy. it's where Casper lives. it's where the mean, old spinster lives with her 2985792486729 cats. it's where Jumanji comes to life. it's where the orphans are kept. it's where Frankestein was created. man. this is one scary looking house. i wish you guys could see it.

this is the right time

and the days just get better. last night, it finally hit me that i'm a college student and i'm filled with bliss being surrounded by others who are just as confused as i am. i like that we're smiling at each other, chasing after words, and trying to mold an explanation, only to throw it in the recycling bin for later use. i'm pretty certain we'll get back to it. all in good time.

i have two bad habits. well, i have more, but i'm willing to admit these two.
1. i crack my knuckles. a lot. especially when i'm concentrating.
2. i daydream constantly.

throughout the whole year thus far, i see many of my past daydreams surfacing into very real moments and this leaves me unbelievably happy for those few moments. then they pass and i relish the bubbly after effects while i wait for the next scene to come. i thank God that they've been coming frequently and consistently. and i pray that they continue coming for just a little longer before the things i dread start creeping their way in.

of course, spending nearly every evening/night this week in the city has only been fueling my new season of daydreaming. the new series often take place in a cozy, run-down apartment located in a back alleyway of an exciting city. preferably Seattle. the apartment building has steel ladders on the side with black paint peeling off. sometimes there's a stench of sewage when i walk outside. there's rubble lying around at the back entrance and across the street, there's construction going on. the windows could do a little washing, but i feel great having the place to myself. i obviously dream big. you know what they say: dream big or go home.

youth

be happy young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgement. so then banish all anxiety from your heart and cast off the troubles of your body, for youth and vigor and meaningless...now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

philadelphia

it has recently come to my attention how many people actually read this blog. it's encouraging and a bit embarrassing. i'm also asking myself whether i should censor myself  more, or to just make bolder statements. it's making me feel more self conscious. i need to be a little more responsible with what i'm saying. Brian Hyon it's all your fault! i'm totally kidding. i'm flattered that there are random (and not random) people reading my blog. thank you, closet readers!

but BHyon has brought it to my attention that i've been writing with so much anger lately, so i'll switch to a more happier tone, which will be easy because this past week was the best week ever this summer! there were so many good things that happened, the weather was great, and my slimy, arrogant, creepy boss was not there all week!! HIGH FIVE. but we will be ending on a rather depressing note.

 how can you not be happy when 

you have clouds like this all week??

top events of the week:
1. the week started out with a great previous weekend at the beach with my lovely girls who graduated <3

 New Jersey Beach, i don't care how much crap you

get from people. i will always love you and the unflattering

bodies (including mine) that inhabit your sandy shore :)

2. i got my ears pierced. shhhh don't tell my parents. tee heeee :3

3. i helped a camp across the street from where i work install their adorable, colorful Painting and Sculpture Garden. these kids, mostly from lower income families, have so much spunk! i wish i had more time to spend with them. the camp was called Artology because their curriculum connects Art with Science. SO CUTE.

4. a couple weeks ago, i came up with an idea to curate a mini-exhibit in an empty room we have in our mansion at work. since my organization is underfunded and dirt poor, we had no money to carry out my idea. so i took a gamble and wrote a grant proposal. and guess what? I GOT THE GRANT! so i have $1000 from the National Trust of Historic Sites to curate my own exhibition! this is really exciting and i'll definitely be busy these next few weeks because i'm literally curating this by myself!

5. HARRY POTTER. my childhood has officially come to a close. this is so depressing! i want to read the books all over just so i can pretend i'm still in high school...

6. a day at Wissahickon Valley Park with friends. we waded across a stream. i pretended i was Pocahontas.

other things on my mind:
everyday when i take the train to work, i pass through North Philadelphia. this region of the city looks like a scene straight out of the movie, I Am Legend. vines crawl around the rotting carcasses of abandoned buildings. once in a while you see dinosaur-like tractors and cranes devour bricks and steel. it's haunting and incredibly frightening how empty the view from my window is for about 15 minutes. a couple days ago, i had to walk around the desert like streets when i was running an errand for work and never in my life have i been so nervous walking around in broad daylight. how can we heal Philadelphia? how do we prevent blight? how did this happen here?

 

 

uhMERikuh

despite how unflattering the people are, how poorly the people present themselves to the world, and how stupid the people can be, it is still great to be American. i love this country and i really feel blessed to have been born in the US of A.

BUT OH MY GOSHHHHH @$%&#*&$#%# how amazingly arrogant/stupid/idiotic/rude/ignorant American Men can be.

story time.

while the average American sleeps in on the 4th of July, and lazily starts up a BBQ in their oversized backyard, i had to get up early and go to work because i work at an underfunded historical landmark. old, patriotic Americans in Philadelphia like to come to Germantown to hear the bells being rung 235 times (marking each year since the signing of the Declaration of Independence) and to hear the Declaration of Independence being read dramatically. they also pretend that they understand their country's history and take tours around town. but i digress--let me tell you about two assholes i encountered while working on July 4th.

imagine a typical overweight American man, short and middle-aged. of course, he's wearing a hideously over worn t-shirt that barely covers his frighteningly large belly. he comes in and starts acting like he knows his history, talking about the Battle of Germantown that took place where i work. he obviously assumes i'm another visitor waiting for the tour to begin. so he starts talking, acting like he knew what he was talking about.

man: do you know anything about the battle that took place here, young lady? it was one hell of a bloody battle with thousands of Americans dead. they fought for our country!"
(in my head): ermm...nope. wrong. there were only about 60 Americans who died here...but yeah, i'll ignore that you missed the number of casualties by a mile because i know you want to look patriotic right now.
me, in reality: *silence + a judging nod*
man: so where's the tour guide?
me: i'm giving your tour.
man: *startled + condescending voice* and how do YOU know so much about our country's history, young lady? did you come here to be a history major?
(in my head): i don't want to give this tour. i'm gonna find someone else to take care of this one...
me, in reality: no. i was born in philly. and no, i'm studying politics. i just really like history. *i walk away*

when i think about it, this encounter really wasn't that bad. and i'm a little surprised it pissed me off so much. but my next encounter was disgusting.

enter, old mad looking man. you can tell he's not all there, mentally...

old man: *stops and stares at me* are you japanese?
me: no, i'm korean.
old man: oriental women are so beautiful.
me: thank you.
old man: you look like you're chinese!
me: nope. i'm korean.
(in my head): go join the fucking tour group and stop talking to me.
old man: have you ever tried sake? i really love it.
me: no. i've never tried sake before.
old man: are you sure you're not japanese? not even the slightest bit?
me: no.
old man: you would make a beautiful geisha.
me: *stare + pause + pissed off* you should leave now.

so yeah. happy birthday, america. you're a really great country and i actually enjoy reading and learning about your history, but you sure do have a lot of people to be embarrassed about.

despite these upsetting moments, the weekend was great! birthday brunches and a night with seats to see The Roots, Sarah Bareilles, Earth Wind & Fire, Michael McDonald, Boyz II Men, and DJ Jazzy Jeff in concert!!

i arranged the fruit!! aren't they purrddyyy :)

the mystery of history

updates on my neck: according to my chiropractor, my neck bone is chronically disfigured. chronic is such a dramatic word. HAHA! but yes. i have to be careful from now on...

this summer, i am working at Cliveden in Historical Germantown. Cliveden is a Georgian mansion that was owned by the Chew family for seven generations (basically, ever since the USA was born). the Battle of Germantown, the only Revolutionary battle that took place in Philadelphia, took place right in the house! there are still battle scars (bullet and canon ball holes) left on the house. the Chew family were a prominent, wealthy family in Philadelphia's elite society. Benjamin Chew, who built the house, was the Penn family's lawyer. the Chew family were filthy rich, were super proud of their place in society and history, and were basically hoarders for seven generations. in the 1970s, they gave their home and grounds to the National Trust of Historical Preservation, along with seven generations worth of family documents--over 200,000 receipts/documents/letters/legal papers/diaries/photographs/junk, which are now owned by the Philadelphia Historical Society. they also left behind a shit load of furniture, china, paintings, rare books, clothes, accessories etc for display...but most of them are unfortunately hidden in steel storage lockers.

Cliveden. it's a lot bigger than it looks. there are extensions

built in the back of the house.

so for the past few weeks i've been interning, it has been exciting and dull (yes it is possible to feel both) reading through their stuff, "getting to know the family," and discovering all sorts of stories about the Chews without actually meeting them. recently Cliveden received a new grant, so we're going through a lot of structural changes. my job as an intern is to do some historical research in order to help rewrite the public tour, redesign their current exhibition space, and to plan/install a new interactive exhibit. in other words, i'm trying to make the place more interesting because right now, it is like living in a graveyard.

in short, i work with old people and talk about dead people everyday.

the whole point of this historical business is to solve the mystery behind Cliveden. we're trying to fill in gaps of our knowledge on the family members who lived in Cliveden, the slaves they owned, the servants who worked at Cliveden, and the way Germantown evolved over time. it's a lot more boring than it sounds.

also, i commute 3 hrs total everyday. as a result, i have been reading a lot lately. in case you're looking for some summer reading, here are my brief thoughts:

-An Artist of the Floating World, by Kazuo Ishiguro--takes place in a post WWII Japan. an artist talks about his past, revisits past conversations, and tries to come to terms with his place as an artist during an era when the Japanese are reforming their identity in the modern world. it's a slow book, so rich with layers. i'm not an expert on Japanese culture, but there is the stereotype that they have very subtle conversations, not saying exactly what they mean, conversing in hints and insinuations, rather than clear cut statements. the narrator thinks back on all these complex layers of conversations and tries to figure out what the hell happened.

-The Stranger, by Albert Camus--i did not like it. people like Meursault (the main character) disgust me.

-Notes from the Underground, by Dostoyevsky--still reading it. i'll let you know. but so far, the style is very much like The Stranger, so i'm not really feelin' it.

got any summer reading suggestions for me? i'm thinking about starting The Hunger Games.

but aside from reading, commuting, and working, this summer is going great. lovely weekend excursions to the city and concerts, walks on the nature trail, and cooking adventures can spice up life after staring at an old 1998 computer monitor all day...

movement

did you know we're almost smack dab in the middle of the year already? day nineteen of the sixth month.

what have you accomplished so far? how are your resolutions going? mine are going great, thank you very much. i probably shouldn't speak in plural form though because i only made one resolution for this year: to better understand how God allows us to have life, and to have it in full (check out John 10:10)

the anthem of my life this year has revolved around movement and an almost nomadic lifestyle. by now i'm fond of it and i suspect it'll continue like this for a few more years before i finally settle, whatever that means.

i went out to watch Joy Ike perform at Milkboy last night, and she sang this song that expressed exactly where i am right now.

aside from moving around my belongings/environment, a shocking experience happened to me this past friday that made me so much more thankful for how our bodies can move. i woke up friday morning, 6:30am, and twisted my head in an awful position and the next second i found myself unable to move. the entire upper right side of my body was temporarily...frozen. moving my right arm made my neck and shoulder muscles scream in pain. and i couldn't budge my head. naturally, i freaked out and my tears were more from shock and shear fear, rather than the pain itself. after a few hours of just lying in bed, frustrated and hurting, i somehow rolled myself off my bed and inched myself to my feet. i walked like Frankenstein--stiffly, with my head tilted so as not to hurt my neck, and my arms trying not to move. HAHAHAHA! i thought it was comical. but in all seriousness, i had never been in so much pain. good thing my apartment mates are the best! waking up to a friend crying that she's paralyzed is not exactly an ideal morning so i'm glad they were able to help me out.

i went to a chiropractor who took some x-rays and gave me some cool electromagnetic therapy (i might be making the the electromagnetic part up, but it was cool). apparently my neck bone is not curved the way it should. it's nearly vertical, almost tilting in the opposite direction. on the drive over to the chiropractor, i joked with my friend, Anna--"Annnaaaaa...what if I have to wear a neck brace??" the doctor handed me my very own neck brace at the end of my checkup. check it out, dudes. it works great with every outfit i own.

so for now, i'm coping with being still. it's harder than i thought it would be.

up next: rantings on my boring internship, and great summer!

home

it's so great being back in Philadelphia. i spent the weekend sleeping over my friends' house, seeing old faces, and catching up with girls that i love best. it's funny though because i don't feel at home here when it's during the school year. i guess the feeling of being home depends on the level of comfort i feel in being with other people. obviously, i don't feel very much comfort in being at school. (this is why i can't wait to graduate and be a real person, rather being a student aka sub-human. not that i don't love my school. i just don't like the fact that my occupation is limited to being just a student. and the fact that many--not all--people at my school have such half-hearted conversations.)

funny how i'm talking about Philadelphia being home though. because i also get home sick--i'd much rather be at home with my family than anything, really. even though i tend to lose my mind with how slow things are at Canada, and how i am very much a useless being when i go to Vancouver, i love being home with my family. what i love most about being home is that i can be as weird as i want, react exactly as i feel in the moment without hesitation, or think twice about how foolish i sound. i can punch my siblings while joking around with them, make fun of them and laugh, stare off into space, play my ukulele, and wear ridiculous clothing just because its comfortable. my body feels free and less tense. my mind is more at ease. and my heart is happy.

so i was really unhappy to be leaving Vancouver last week to come to Philadelphia for my internship. and during my first week here, i kept questioning whether i made the right decision to take this internship. it was a hot, demanding, exhausting, and a bit annoying this week having to move in, and readjust to working in a professional setting. i like everyone but my boss. and i'm still not sure if i like the actual work. but this weekend made a huge difference. i know it's going to be a great summer.

so i'll keep you posted, friends. no more entries about beautiful european adventures (i just reread some of my entries from my time in London...my face looked like this o.O i sounded like a 5 year old writing about adventures with rainbows and unicorns. wtf...) the entries for this summer will be about me desperately trying to make the most of my last summer before i get a real job and become a functioning person in society.

 midnight conversations have their own aimless charm

conclusions and introductions

some concluding thoughts:
studying abroad was rad. it was a party everyday. never in my life have i ever spent my money and my time so luxuriously and freely. throughout my entire 5 months abroad, i saw musicals and ballets, visited museums and markets, travelled to 9 different cities and 4 small towns, watched 98357928579246 movies in my room, slept an ungodly number of hours, ate all sorts of food from around the world, walked around parks and gardens for hours, read for pleasure, and filled an entire journal.

it was good.

i am satisfied (there are still a few things i wish i did. but my time in europe got cut off short because i stupidly jumped on the "internship train" because all my obnoxiously overambitious friends were doing something productive this summer...) and i hope i never have to travel around european cities ever again, unless it's strictly for work/business. i don't say this to sound pretentious. i say this because i really don't want to do it again. don't get me wrong--i absolutely loved travelling around europe--all of the cities are beautiful and they all put me in awe. but they also gave me a frightening realization of how ridiculously opulent lifestyles in the West are. the shopping, the tourist commercialism, the freakishly fancified european version of McDonalds that somehow seems to stalk you wherever you are travelling, the designer brand stores that taunt you as you walk by, and the way some college girls in London dress like prostitutes--all of this i will not miss. now that i've seen a few old castles and palaces, my chapter in europe is complete. something i'll definitely miss, however, are all the free art museums. seeing all that art has inspired me to get back in touch with making music and writing. it's amazing how much visual inspiration can stir your desire to create in other mediums.

back to other things i will not miss--as a young asian girl travelling around europe, i became aware of a few things i no longer wish to tolerate: if i ever hear another non-asian man greet me with a "gonnichiwa" or "neehow" ever again, i will not hesitate to kick him where it hurts most. if someone ever asks me whether i'm from the north or the south, after i tell them i'm Korean, i will directly ask them: "are you a moron?" or i might just reply: "neither." and if i ever have to pay 8 pounds (equivalent to almost $14) for a shitty dish that is supposed to be some form of Korean food, i will throw that bowl against the wall and leave. no more tolerance.

academically, studying abroad was a joke. i now fully appreciate how hard american students work. (i wasn't particularly impressed by the British students i came across.) but because i did the bare minimum--going to class and submitting whatever i could get done--my work ethic is now nonexistent. going back to Philadelphia this friday to work full time is going to destroy me for the first couple weeks.

i am starting to realize that this blog has a wider audience than i initially thought it did. for those readers who are younger than i am, here's my advice: you will start to feel like you can't breathe on your campus by your third year in college. go abroad. it is a beautiful breath of fresh air. if school is stressing you out, it means you need a vacation. studying abroad is your chance. just do it and thank me later.

Philadelphia--i hear you are a hot, humid, melting mess right now. i've been living in cold, windy environments for nearly eight months. you better straighten up your act and have some mercy on me when i arrive. i don't like sweating.

recap on my last few days

my last week in London is one i'll remember the most out of my entire experience abroad. i'm sure you all are aware of how lazy i am on summarizing my experiences--i will only focus on the highlights!

after weeks of nauseous anxiety, i finally got my debit card in the mail monday afternoon. because i didn't have money, i was trapped in my room, doing nothing (except watch countless movies every day)

on monday, we celeberated becca's graduation with delicious drinks, a walk around regent's park at night (while becca drank with her toes dipped in the fountains), and a crazy photoshoot on a monument. ending the night with some delicious thin crust pizza. GREAT NIGHT.

on tuesday, i finished my stupid art history paper. what a mess.

wednesday, i went out on my final "tourist" adventure, visiting Kensington Palace, Kensington Park, the Albert Memorial, Royal Albert Hall, Buckingham Palace, Parliament, Big Ben, etc...

candace came to visit me on thursday! candace, tess, and i went to hampstead heath, went up to parliament hill, which is the highest natural point in London, where we looked down on the city (that was an awful sentence). you could see St. Paul's, the Gherkin, the BT Tower, and other unidentifiable tall buildings.

 top of Parliament Hill

we then proceeded to Covent Garden, a marketplace where a bunch of street performers congregate. we also went to a worship service at Westminster Abbey (though it was in the smaller church next to the abbey) and then Candace and I strolled around Parliament Square. after dinner on the riverside, where we had some amazing Pimm's Lemonade, we ended up going back home early, taking a nap, and having some amazing girl talk :)

 street performer inviting my up on his stand

at Covent Garden

 Pimm's Lemonade and Candace

Westminster Abbey

friday, i started packing, got bored so i went to the national gallery to buy a poster, bought some percy pigs, and then recommenced packing. then my friends and i went out for some delicious Moroccan food. becca and yagna had to leave early, but beth, victoria, and i had an amazing time exploring the riverside at night. we went a little overboard, taking pictures of Big Ben, Parliament, and the Eye. it was so beautiful :)

 

and the night ended with yummy smoothies at Giraffe. 

yeah...i can't believe i'm home already. it is unbelievably dull here. and i miss my room in London

 

up next: some other thoughts about studying abroad.